Introspection | Inspiration

Hurt 'n' Healed

2012-02-25T00:41:00.001+05:30

I've been on my usual rounds of introspection lately, and it has come to my notice that I've been obsessing over one single thought for the last 10 months. It has affected every aspect of my life - from my work, to my family & friends, and even my sleep patterns - Yes, a broken heart does that to you. You go through the usual rounds of 'Why me??!', 'Why not him?', 'Why now?', and the other assorted 'Why's' and 'Why not's'. But in the end, nothing changes the fact that it happened. No matter how much you think about it, no matter how many times you go over incidents thinking that if you'd done something differently things would've been different. Nothing you do can change the past.

And "clinging on" or "hoping things might work out", especially if the other person has a different set of priorities is really not that great either. The only things that work out will be the fact that both of you end up getting more hurt, more confused, more awkward with each other. And the last point is specially tough when you have a common set of friends and even tougher when the both of you have decided to remain friends. The easiest thing for all concerned would of course be to let go of all the expectations you had from each other, the feelings you had for each other, the secrets you shared with no one else but each other - but then again, that's easier said than done. Believe me, I know. There is no power in this world that can take the pain out of knowing someone you loved, the someone who loved you back, wants it to end.

But, its a relationship, and it does take two to tango. So, if one doesn't want to tango, what's the other to do? Suck it up, and get on with your life, eh? :) There really is no other choice. So yes, feel sad for a while for what couldn't be, but all the while keep telling yourself that letting go - of him, of your memories with him, of the longing and the hope, and most importantly forgiving, is the only way to move on with your life. Forgiving, you ask? Yes, forgiving - both yourself and him. For things intended, and for things not. Its the only way to come out of it a stronger, better person.

I can't seem to put into my feelings into words, but this poem does justice to every single one of them.

Let's Make A Deal by Diane Blue

You forgive me for liking you too much,

And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,

And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,

And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,

And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,

And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,

And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,

And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,

And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,

And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,

And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness brings inner peace.

Do we have a deal?

Truer words have never been spoken, don't you think? Well, I do. And this poem, along with a few wise words -

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"

"This too shall pass."

- have been my mantra for sometime now. Hopefully, there'll be someone out there who's heart this post speaks directly to. To whoever you are - "You go girl/boy! Life has a million more things to offer." :)

Adieu, until next time.

Love

2012-01-24T00:47:00.000+05:30

There's no such thing as eternal love. There's only short-term excitement, and long-term emotional habit. So, what is it about Love that makes people around the world want it. Why are there so many fairy-tales across the world, across different languages, across different cultures, where unending happiness is promised? Why is there no mention of the endless heartbreak involved?
There's no such thing as eternal love. People change, circumstances change, feelings fade away. I guess it comes back to the old adage - Change is the only Constant.
In a perfect world, love would be eternal, and there would be a soul-mate for everyone. But this world is the farthest thing from being perfect.
There's no such thing as eternal love. When we start off, we're looking for the perfect person, for someone who's everything we've dreamed of. Then we realize there's no such person.
Afraid of being lonely for the rest of our lives, we 'compromise' and settle for someone, and think, "This will do." And ultimately we all convince ourselves that 'Yes, this is the closest thing to love that I'm gonna get."

“Speak common sense. Don’t talk of love to me.
‘Tis sickening, this stuff that poets sing.
You marry, you have filled your destiny;
But love; I tell you there is no such thing.”

—	Ellen P. Allerton

What Do Angels Look Like?

2011-10-05T09:00:00.000+05:30

Came across this today. I just knew I had to preserve this for posterity (read put it somewhere easy for me to find... :)) I know I'll keep coming back to this for reasons best known to someone else. ;) :P

Like the little old lady who returned your wallet yesterday.

Like the taxi driver who told you that your eyes light up the world, when you smile.

Like the small child who showed you the wonder in simple things.

Like the poor man who offered to share his lunch with you.

Like the rich man who showed you that it really is all possible, if only you believe.

Like the stranger who just happened to come along, when you had lost your way.

Like the friend who touched your heart, when you didn't think you had one to touch.

Angels come in all sizes and shapes, all ages and skin types.

Some with freckles, some with dimples, some with wrinkles, some without.

They come disguised as friends, enemies, teachers, students, spouses and fools.

They don't take life too seriously, they travel light.

They leave no forwarding address, they ask nothing in return.

They wear sneakers with gossamer wings, they get a deal on dry cleaning.

They are hard to find when your eyes are closed...

But they are everywhere you look, when you choose to see.

~By Veronica Hay~

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

2011-09-05T19:38:00.000+05:30

Can it ever happen again? I wonder.
Do I ever want it to happen again? I wonder.
Will I ever allow it to happen again? I wonder.
Please let it not happen again. Ever.

Letting Go

2011-09-05T19:36:00.000+05:30

"Every girl has that one guy she goes back to, heartbreak after heartbreak and nobody knows why, not even her. And she just can't let go."

I have issues when it comes to "letting go." I thought my mum had issues in letting me go. Now I know that everyone has issues in letting someone go. I have issues in learning to let him go. How would you let someone go? Someone who's been privy to every bit of your life, someone who means a lot to you? To what extent do you let go? How do you let go just enough so he is still your best friend? How can you let go when you're still in love? How?

Writer's Block?

2011-08-31T17:51:00.004+05:30

This post is ironic in a way. I'm writing about how I'm unable to write!

And the reason I've figured, is that my mind is messed up. Whatever has happened in the past few months has managed to mess me up so bad, that I am unable to write about it! I know this sounds weird, but for me, writing down my thoughts and feelings has always come naturally to me. That I am unable to do so for recent events, is alarming.

Until today, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't gather up my thoughts to write down something legible. I would start off with something, and end up meandering through so many other somethings, that I ultimately lost focus of the something I was supposed to focus on. And there were so many instances of this, so many drafts that I've discarded because it didn't make sense. (If I didn't have my laptop, and its recycle bin, I could've taken a pic of all the scrunched up pieces of paper around my dust-bin .) My irritation and disappointment at not being able to write kept building up in proportion as well. Which is why, today I decided that I would try and figure out what exactly was happening.

Conclusion: My mind is messed up. Not just messed up - SO messed up. Making a list of what's messing me up out here is not exactly appropriate. So, I'll just go on to say that its unnerving how so many things can affect you without you being aware of it. And your being unaware of it only complicated matters by making you wonder what's wrong with yourself - Why did react like that? Why didn't you do that? What were you thinking when you were doing that?.... You get my drift, right?

And so yes, now that I've started the flow, I'm hoping it will continue. :) I can only be silent for so long, I guess.

Ciao!

Again

2011-06-15T12:53:00.009+05:30

I'm going to smile, make you think I'm happy,

I'm going to laugh, so you don't see me cry,
I'm going to let you go in style,
And even if it kills me - I'm going to smile.

Cochin...

2010-12-01T15:20:00.001+05:30

PPS(As in Pre-script): Written Circa August 2010

(PS: Nope, this post is not about the city, so if you’re looking to visit Cochin, this might be the wrong post to read J This one is about a few of my experiences during my most recent visit to my dear little hometown, even though its not little anymore. :P)

Yaaayyy!! Home, sweet home! As much as I dread coming to Cochin, this is a feeling that hits me every time I get here… :) On the contrary, once I decide to make a trip down to Cochin, I book my tickets, and then I spend the reminder of the time worrying about what’s waiting for me back there. Weird, isn't it - these contrary emotions? Confused? Don’t be. This is what every 20-something girl goes through at some point in her life. The Hunt for the Perfect Husband. Bah! Utter nonsense I tell you… :| I mean, ‘The Hunt’? Seriously now? Is that what its finally come down to? Sigh…. And I think that the fact that you’re away from home compounds this whole situation. You’ll be home maybe a few weeks every year – and everything from marriages and other random family events, (including Pennukaanals, which literally translates to– Seeing the girl) to visits to churches, long drives to the beach, shopping in the city, and other such things are crammed into those few days you are there. The fun, the familiar, the nostalgia, the bugging, the tradition, the 'This is how its done!' routine, therefore turn these few days of ‘Vacation’ into the most upside down time of the year - filled with fun, and more often than not, fear/fury. .

This trip was no different. I come home for my cousin’s engagement –the girl is younger than I am. Need I explain anymore? I think over these last four days I’ve discovered that I’m the ‘next in line to get married’, that I’m ‘becoming too old, and that I can’t afford to wait any longer’(and I’m still in the happier half of my 20’s mind you :P) that ‘if I need to find a good guy, this is the ‘right time’’ and other such bits’n’pieces of advice from well meaning relatives who have taken it upon themselves to see that I’m happily settled. Sigh! If only they realized that I would be happy if they just let me be. I’ve seen, observed, and dealt with guys, and I know just what I want in a guy. I know that what you see isn’t always what you get, that a ‘good family’ is no guarantee of a good boy, that some kinds of people are just not meant to be together – they would end up tearing out each other’s throats, So, I’ll find my own, thank you very much.

Its not that I wantonly disregard what my parents want me to do, its just that I do not want to be rushed into something as important as a marriage on the flimsy excuse of "You're not getting any younger, so...." I completely understand the worries and anxieties that every parent goes through, but in this age and time, when girls are seeing more of the world, know what they want and how to get it, isn't it kinda contrary to expect them to give that all up just to marry some guy she doesn't know or even love? And imagine, most parents want their girls to be super-independent women, making huge strides in their career, and still expect them to be docile, and leave all important decisions like 'Who you should marry?' to others.

What kind of communication / generation gap could cause this? Sometimes, I think I've got it all figured out, at others, I'm just as lost and confused and the rest of you out there... (I must add here that my parents have been very reasonable about this, but sometimes the pressure does get to me.) But one thing I know for sure: I'll decide who/when to get married to. Simple. J

And that's the end of my rant for now. I'll leave you guys with these thoughts swirling in your minds. Feel free to leave a comment if you or someone you know have gone through or is going through this experience.

À Bientôt!

... Till we meet again...

The Rains

2010-07-11T14:15:00.002+05:30

Beautiful Weather puts me in a good mood. I mean – like ‘D’uh!’ :P But you see, good weather for me also includes the monsoons – when it rains cats and dogs (and possibly many other things too), when its so windy that the trees back home look in danger of falling (and you can actually hear them go ‘Creeeaaaakkkkk….!!’) from all of the swaying, when the roads get so flooded that you wade through shin-deep water to reach the bus-stop so you can catch the bus to college(And the running joke then would be, “We should all get ourselves a boat, not a car :D), when your umbrella gets blown off, or contorted into different shapes by those notorious 55kmph winds on Shanmugham Road., when you and everything on you is dripping wet – save for your head. ;P

I miss the rains back home. Though you could hardly call them rains – they were more like sheets of water pouring down from the heavens! As if the gods had gone crazy and decided to be extra abundant in their showers of blessings. I still remember the changes the first rains would bring with them – the sight & smell of a parched land soaking up the long-awaited rains, the sight of once dusty trees now bursting with chlorophyll, flowers having their brown coats of dirt washed off to show their true colours, the sounds of frogs croaking, the sounds of kids in their new raincoats squealing in excitement as they jumped in, through and across puddles, the irritated murmurs of those who hate the water (and therefore, by some weird law of physics and the universe, manage to get splashed/spattered/caught in rains more than usual), the sounds and smells of mum at work in the kitchen preparing hot toast & pan rolls & tea. (Mmmhmmm…. :-B) The perpetual sound of water & wind – dripping, howling, falling, tearing through houses, in and out of windows and doors...

I still remember how my mum’s ancestral home back in Cochin would be flooded – with the water reaching up to my 5-year-old knees. :D Those were fun times… Me, my cousins and assorted neighborhood kids would spend most of the rainy weekends wading in these waters, making paper boats – waiting to see who’s would sink first, who’s would stay till the last. Holding paper boat races too! And the elders of course, keeping an eye on us from the doorway. ‘Keeping an eye’ because they knew that no amount of cajoling or scolding could keep us out of the water – so they might as well make sure we were safe!! :P Ah… Many a childhood weekend has passed in such timeless, innocent, ‘wet’ fun. (And oh, there are so many, many more memories. But I guess I’ll save them for another post…)

And how can I not mention the thunderstorms. Sitting at my window or doorstep (depending on how heavy the rains were) and watching the lightening tear the sky into pieces has never failed to amaze me. The sight of those brilliant flashes forking through a dark night, watching them trace their way across the stormy skies leaving behind traces of blue or pink in their wake is simply too brilliant to be put into words.

Stormy weather has almost always been my ‘Special Alone Time.’ Anytime I’m upset and want to be alone, sitting at my window, watching the storm brew, and finally unleash its fury has always had a calming effect on me. Its been the one constant source of calmness for my troubled soul, from this sometimes weary life. If only I could capture the fierce, wild beauty of a storm and preserve it! But then again, if it could be captured, how could I admire its wild ferocity?? Its ability to turn the land into a greener, cleaner, and noticeably wetter place… :D (Sidethought: This sounds so much like an analogy for the troubled soul – You know, you’re worn down with the mundane troubles of everyday life, much like nature is. And then, as the rains wash them all away, so does shedding a few tears wash away the worries & cares – though not the reason, plaguing your soul.)

This of course, is a much romanticized way of looking at rains and storms and the monsoon season as such. But then again I am a self-confessed, hard-core romantic. And being one, how can I not bring in the imagery of a long, lonely, refreshing walk in the rain? Sigh…. And even better would be a long walk in the rain with your special someone  (Oh c’mon! Don’t gimme that look!! :P )

And I have a confession to make. My love for rains is coloured by nostalgia. The monsoon rains are associated with so very many beautiful memories for me, that if I were to list them here, this post would extend forever! And this post is inspired by that love.

Anyway, even today, the sight of those ominous grey clouds, those harbingers of rainy days, cozy nights spent wrapped in blankets, and lazy mornings – has never failed to excite me, to bring out the child in me. It still does, though the intensity of such feelings, as with all things grown up, is definitely lesser in magnitude. :( Rainy days are meant to be spent at home – sitting on your balcony with a book for company, and some hot chocolate in hand. They’re not meant to spent indoors, in front of a computer screen. But that’s what growing up has done to me, its what it does to most of us. Roles, responsibilities, blah, blah, blah… I get so lost in them, that I don’t know how to look for joy in those little things anymore. Well, I guess that’s the natural progression of life, huh?

And so, I’m thankful for those childhood moments of fun, and I love and look forward to these beautiful rains, and the memories they bring with them.

Walking Away...

2010-07-06T09:16:00.003+05:30

What would you do when the time comes for you to walk away from it all? I think it all depends on what you’re walking away from and what you’re walking towards to.

After a lot of upheaval over the last few months, I’ve kind of settled down into a more routine, sedate way of life. Not very interesting, but it definitely gives scope for a lot of thinking. And so I pen down my thoughts on one of those thoughts. ;)

Where do I start……? From the beginning, I suppose. The beginning goes back to June 2, 2007, when I landed in Hyderabad! :D Its been 3 years since then, three exciting, dynamic, illogical, eventful years. Its difficult to put down everything I’ve gone through – the things I will have to walk away from. (You can find a lot of it here.)

Weird coincidences, weird happenings, and even weirder decisions - My life in a nutshell. All these led to me having the weirdest set of friends I've EVER had! :D I'm sure many of you can relate to this.

Interestingly, all these things have managed to turn my life up-side-down - in more ways than you can think of. Thanks to them I've seen what it is like to be in the best of times and in the worst - with the weird bunch sticking with me through every bit of it. I’ve known what it is like to love, and be loved – and no, I’m not referring to the romantic version of love here. ;P You have to be Loco Por Defecto to completely understand this point. :D LPD is what has honestly got me through a very depressing, de-motivating, worrisome part of my life. I think we all know what its like – to have our mind and faculties so clouded by a very negative shade. How difficult it is to even think of tomorrow, let go a better tomorrow. Its then that LPD works its magic on you – and all of a sudden you’re looking at life through rose-tinted glasses.  Of course, the magic is not a *Shezhammmm!* moment. I've been yelled at scolded, blackmailed & threatened(positively of course), cajoled, pampered into doing things not always to my liking, but what’s good for me. They were my family here.

And it seems – no, it is so easy to get lost in this life. Getting high on freedom, love, friends, randomness, that its difficult to stay in touch with reality sometimes. Which is where my little angel comes in. She’s the one who keeps me in touch with ground-reality – home & family back there. She’s the one constantly striving to keep that connection alive. And I have to admit, I have slacked off many a time – as other things and people got more priority in my life. But thanks to her, I’m maintaining quite a fine balance between two very different worlds.

So, here I am - in the prime of life – enjoying everything life has thrown at me so far, handling them as best as I could… What happens when I have to inevitably move on? From this life, this place, this idiotic bunch of people I’ve come to love…

This is something that I’ve spent countless hours dwelling upon, despite it being an unpleasant thought. As much as I hate it, as much as I don’t want it to happen, as much as I want the status quo to be maintained, we will all follow the paths our passions/careers take us on. Even as I write this, its hard for me to fathom the extent to which this can affect us, the extent to which it will affect me.

I’ve gone so accustomed to having these people butt their way into my space, my room, my work, my life, with their opinions, ideas, suggestions, advice (a lot of them meant to make me smile in moments of intensity, and so can compete for the Most Ludicrous Idea/Suggestion/Advice Award. ;P Of course, I’ve given my share of ludicrous suggestions to them as well.) that I can’t imagine life without them. What would I ever do without them? Walking away from them will be like walking away from people who made me the person I am today. They opened up my world, my mind, my horizons – gave me an idea of what the world is like beyond the safety of my home and taught me how to deal with it. We have created a little World of Our Own – a little haven in this wild, wild world, where we could always come to for comfort, fun, happiness. Where you know that no matter how bad your day went there'll always be someone to make you feel better. This is what I’m walking away from. This is what I will miss.

Can I walk away from the freedom I have here? The freedom to do what I want, when I want it, and to follow my passions with unbridled thoughts and emotions. Cos the place I’m going back to cannot and will not support this kind of freedom, this kind of life. It will not accept a girl, a young person trying to follow her dreams, make her life more meaningful, have a little control of the direction her life is taking, to have a say in what she should do, who she will marry, who she will love, where she will live, how she will live. There, a girl returning after 7:30 at ‘night’ is considered ‘bad.’ She’s upto no good, they say. A girl talking and laughing with boys is immoral. She’s free with her favors, they say. A girl having her own mind, sparing a thought for her career or life is considered selfish and ungrateful. She doesn’t care about her parents and the ones who brought her up, they say – when her only wish is to make life a little better for her loved ones. Of course its not all tragedy and deprivation. There still are a few good things left back there.  But yea, this is the kind of world, the kind of people I’ll be going back to.

I know I’m not the only one in this situation. There are many of you out there who can relate to this. So, I ask you a question. Given a *choice*, would you choose to go back? You know that there are people back home just waiting for you to return to them. But going back would mean the loss of everything you want to be, and everything you can be. What would you choose?

It would mean the loss of the only people who’ve understood and known the real you. I’m sure we will remain in touch. But will we still share this level of comfort, of knowing, of understanding, of sharing, of loving, of bugging, of pampering, and hand-holding and leg-pulling? Will we still share this level of being so much a part of each other’s lives? Would you find new friends with whom you can share at least some small part of what you shared with these guys? Would you choose to leave them?

It would mean that you can’t take up additional responsibilities at work – at something you know you’re good at, because you’re always scared of having to drop it in the middle and go back home. Imagine, you know the potential of your role – the heights you could reach if you could only stay on without having to go back. And if such an opportunity presented itself, what would you choose? Go home or stay on?

What would you do?

I'll leave you with this thought, and probably go spend some time in introspection - to see what my choice should be. :)

Au Revoir... Until we meet again... :)

Have You Ever Fallen in Love? (Part Deux)

2010-06-11T16:16:00.012+05:30

This was part one.

Hmm.. Part Two... Here we go!

I don't wanna start where I left off. I leave it up to you guys to come up with your own ideas/version of how I came out of it. I had to, after all, right? And to cut a long story short, I did. We're still very good friends, and for this I'm thankful - to him, and to the others who helped smoothen the ride.

But then, as you all know, the past does have a weird way of pushing the present onto the sidelines. And so, every so often, there would be a momentary re-lapse. A fraction of a second when I would go back to wishing and wanting and hoping. But these 'episodes' are becoming a thing of the past. The wishing, the wanting, the hoping.... They're slowly fading away, and with time, it will all be just a memory.

And what became of him, you might wonder. Well, the 'Ultimate Bachelor' finally found the one of his dreams... :) Yep, you read that right! He fell in love. I think he was the one more surprised than any of us when it finally did happen!! Now a days, you can find him drifting off into his own world, getting restless whenever she's not around, and 'suffering' from all the usual symptoms of one truly, madly, and deeply in love. ;P

To bring in a stray thought, I've always wondered how I'd take it when the inevitable did happen. Fortunately, I must add, I did underestimate myself. I was a little taken aback - yes, but it wasn't as hard as I'd feared it would be. :) (**I had a lot of help with this of course! Thanks to Uncle & Daddy!!:) Love you guys.... <3 Muah!!**)

And I'm happy for them. She has found someone who'll treasure her for who she is, and he has found someone who'll return his love with equal fervour. They are perfect for each other.

As with any love story, theres a fair share of worries, problems and so on and so forth... But I'm confident that their love is strong enough to overcome anything life can throw at them. Good luck guys!

Here's to the two of you:

A house full of sunshine,
Hearts full of cheer,
Love that grows deeper
each day of the year.

Cheers!!! (*sound of glasses clinking...*)

--
Dedicated to The Wise One & His Love :)

Thanks Vala... :) And Thank You LPD!

2010-04-05T19:39:00.013+05:30

I'm flicking this from a friend's blog :) She's perfectly put into words what I've been trying to express for close to a year now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

being happy

being happy

seemed so far off

until people walks into your life

different as they are

far off as they are

the thought that u r wanted

the feeling tat u r part of em

is so exciting

it gives u reasons in life

tat u never realized

were there

to be happy

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And here's my ode to the craziest group of people I know....
LPD:

We all feel the same way about you.

We love you, and we're addicted to you.

We can't do without a daily dose of you.

Thank you for being there, and thank you for being you.

For all the leg-pulling, and hand-holding

For all the pampering, and nonsensical discussions

For being a source of constant hilarity

For never being boring

For always being there

Thank You

Vielen Dank

Merci Beaucoup

Muchas Gracias

Muito Obrigado

Love you guys!!
(Part of LPD, we don't have a pic with all of us yet :( )

Have You Ever Fallen in Love?

2010-02-24T23:32:00.002+05:30

Have you ever fallen in love?? Well, I have. Have you told that someone that you love them? I have. Have they told you. ‘Sorry darling, I do like you, but I can never think of you in that way.’? Well, he did. And it broke my heart. That day I discovered that it can hurt to lose something that you never owned in the first place. In this case it can hurt more cos there no way that you are ever gonna get it back.

I surprised myself the day I discovered that I love him. Why?, you may think. ‘Cos I had promised myself never to trust someone so much, not to invest that much of myself in a single person, so much so I would think of them, I wouldn’t say every single moment, but at least 90% of the time. Never to let out so many of my secrets, so many of my feelings, and give it all to one person to safeguard. Never to spend so much time with them, never to become so close with them, never ever to fall in love with them.

I have always been paranoid about getting hurt, about getting my heart broken, cos I thought I would never be able to survive it. Emotions are everything to me, and so is melodrama. Bad combination. You tend to exaggerate every feeling, every emotion that crosses your mind. Who knows? I may have misread so many of the things he said and did. For this single reason alone, I will not blame him.

I never thought I would live to see the day I would cry over a boy… I still remember that night. It was a Saturday night, I was talking to him on the phone, and trying to decide whether I should tell him now or not. There was not much of an argument in favor of not letting him know, so I went ahead and did. (PS: I had to repeat myself three times!! Either he was too shocked to hear it, or he definitely needed to get his ears replaced ;) ) And then he said those words that anyone in love would never wanna hear from the one they love, the words that brought me crashing back to earth from my wonderful little seventh heaven ‘......., I like you, not in that way, never in that way.’

That wasn’t the end of the conversation though. We talked on for a few hours more. He told me how he didn’t think he was the right one for me. How I preferred someone who would be committed to me, how he could never focus his attentions on one girl. How I would like that someone to spend time with me, for whom I would be a priority, and for him, how his friends always came first, no matter what. And all the while, all I could think of was, ‘Why?’ Somehow, I managed to get through the conversation with him without crying.

[To Be Continued...]

Torn-up Letters

2010-02-03T02:44:00.003+05:30

Fell in LOVE with this song!! Amazing song by the Lost Prophets!!

Take My Advice, I Don't Need It

2010-02-03T02:08:00.001+05:30

I'm quite good at advising other people, but am a complete Dumb Ass when it comes to my life... Literally... I mean, sometime I listen to myself talking to them, and I go: "Shit ya... If I do all that I ask them to do, my life's taken care of...." But no. As we all know, it doesn't happen that way. Its so, so, so much easier to speak, than to do. So many things are easier said than done.

Why? Why is it so difficult for us to do what's good for us, what's right for others, and what makes the most sense?

There are so many of these questions parading themselves before my mind. As if their only aim is to poke fun at my inability to understand them, to answer them. I've tried, and I've tried, and I've tried again.... And every time, I seem to come up with a different answer. Or maybe, its a different version of the same answer, a fact that I probably fail to recognize time and again.

Well, tomorrow's definitely another day. Another day to dream, to try, to do, to fly, and probably watch many more dreams die. But anyways, what's to stop us from trying, eh? That's what life's for after all. To live, to experience everything from laughter to tears, and everything in between... See, I told ya, I'm pretty good at giving advice, just real bad at following it.

Like I said, "Take my advice, I don't need it."

_____

2010-02-03T01:37:00.006+05:30

And you probably don't wanna hear tomorrow's another day
But I promise you, you'll see the sun again.
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you, you'll see the sun again...

Do I or do I not?

2010-01-22T00:19:00.000+05:30

You've made a life-changing decision. Now, do you tell them or do you not? If you do, you'll have to end up following their choices, and regretting for the rest of your life. If you don't, you screw up your life for a few months, and then who knows....

Now another question. If you decide not to tell them, do you think you're ready to face those two or three months of not knowing exactly what's gonna happen next? Are you strong enough to do that? If you knew that you'd screw up no matter how hard you try, or how much others try to help you, would you still go through with your decision? Would you.....?

I hate love <\3

2009-12-31T14:31:00.003+05:30

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you.

Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

~Unknown

Keep Fighting

2009-11-06T02:31:00.004+05:30

A wise man(or woman) once said, 'Life is a fight.' Okay, so maybe I completely made it up, who cares?? These last few days of my life have taught me something, something that I forgot, and something that a chat with one of my friends reminded me. 'What is it?' you ask. Its very simple, its what some of us do all the time, and what all of us do some of the time. Fight. And I don't mean the kind where you use your fists on someone else, no. Here, I mean fighting your way through life. (Note: For all purposes of this post, 'fight' shall refer to this, unless mentioned otherwise :))

Everyone here can vouch for the fact that to get what you want in life, you have to fight for it. Nothing comes to you easily - Easy come, easy go, need I say any more? And so we fight - the child for the teddy bear in the shop display, the school kid for the good grades/the recognition/the acceptance that he wants, the adolescent for the particular course they want to do, the young adult for the career path they've chosen to follow, the lover to marry the one they love, the young couple to survive, and a few years down the line with jobs, responsibilities, kids, to keep the love going strong. All of us for that one dream we know will have made this life worth living. For what are we, what is life without dreams, without hope?

So we keep fighting - through every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. It is difficult, drab, hurtful, sometimes demeaning, confusing, discouraging, and it will create a conflict of emotions in you so intense that it drives all sanity from your mind. And sometimes in the muddle of it all, we forget who we are, what we're fighting for, and why. It happens to all of us at some point in time, and we need to be taken back, to be reminded of the why's, the what's and the who's involved in it. And the reminder can be anything or as in my case, anyone. A reminder that will get us going, breathe into our tired souls a breath of new life, infuse into our weary veins a new burst of energy, that will remind us to continue the fight for the dream worth fighting for.

This one is for the Queen of Dreams. the Ever-Wandering One, and my dearest P'edF. :) And for everyone who's had to listen to me crib during the last one week.

The Proposal

2009-09-29T22:43:00.028+05:30

The perfect marriage-proposal... Does it exist? Is it even possible?? I donno, but I think this is as close to perfect as it comes. This one's from Runaway Bride...

"Look, I guarantee that we'll have tough times. And I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us will wanna get out. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. 'Cos I know in my heart, you're the only one for me..."

Nothing like telling it as it is ;) No frills, no beating around the bush, no running around trees (??), no suns and moons and stars, no meaningless promises. Just a stripped down, factual version, the essence if you will, of what life would be like for two people who decide to spend the rest of their lives together.

What more could you ask for...?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Added on July 7th, 2010

Been meaning to add this for a long time now. If what you watched was the perfect proposal, then I think that this is the perfect reply to it. And for at least once in my life, I'd like to crack this amaaazing dialog. This one's from Definitely Maybe. :)

Will Hayes: Will you... um... marry me?
April: No. What do you mean, 'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?

And of course, he comes up with a fitting reply to her scathing retort!

Will Hayes: Just shut up! Here - I wanna marry you because you're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly, when you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you, um, marry me?
April: Definitely. Maybe.

Here's the video to help get you into the 'mood' :)

SIGH.....!

The vagaries of life I tell you. I started off writing this post completely awed by Aprils' take on the institution of marriage. And then I read Will's come back. And man, did that sweep me off my feet or what!! I mean, even the most cynical of people would agree to that being the perfect reason for marrying someone. Well, its almost tomorrow now, and I think I'd better go get myself some zzzzz's. In the meanwhile people, ponder this and enjoy.

Hyderabad - My one and only...

2009-09-27T23:13:00.011+05:30

Yep, you read that right... :) I love Hyderabad - the city, its history, my apartment, Eat Street, MacD, the Barista on Banjara Rd#1, Prasads, KBR park, and of course, Baskin Robbins - not necessarily in that order though.

But more importantly, I love Hyd for all the new experiences I have experienced here...

My life as a single, independent girl (I'm still too young to be called a woman :P).

All the new people I've met, the few new'n'true friends i've made over the last two years.

Google & job-hunting.

MAD!

My few'n'far in between inter-city travels, 26-hr long train journeys, 12-hr bus rides, 3-hr taxi drives, and 1 and a 1/2 hour long flights.

Pune, Bombay, Bangalore, Chennai.

Heart-aches & heart-breaks, quarrels & make-up sessions (and no, i don't mean the ones that include any sort of cosmetics... ;) ).

Worries, fears, bouts of craziness, almost-mistakes & near death experiences-and friends who would do anything to make sure you get out of them alive and well.

Midnight b'day parties, cake facials, surprises, treats.

Stay-overs, movies, FRIENDS, walks at 1am.

Farewells, tears, dinners at Ohris, Banjara 12 that lasted four hours (and had to do more with dumb charades, than actual eating)

Pubs, beer, dancing, watching friends behave weirdly when they get high.

Obsessively & compulsively missing the first half hour of every movie. Its a sort of ritual for our gang. :)

PJs (both pathetic, and perverted)

Physics, music, NCC, CA, BITS, FedBnk, UK, MV, Boston, Dilli, Chubby and many more.

Shattered illusions, disturbing disillusions.

Ugly Truths, uglier lies.

Bad choices, lucky coincidences.

Moments of insane happiness, boundless energy, and unlimited possibilities.

Moments of realisation.

Moments of wondering where the hell my money went!! (I went through four phones and two digicams in two years... sigh... the extravagance of it all...)

Shopping sprees. And window shopping sessions that unfortunately turn out to be more expensive.

Living on a shoe-string budget so that I can: 1.pay off my huge CC bill, 2.finally get my very own laptop and 3.SAVE (again, not necessarily in that order :D).

The inevitable kitchen experiments, the inedible disasters.

And the frantic calls for home-delivered junk food.

Book-reading marathons, and movie-watching marathons.

Discovering the joys of non-stop social networking.

Real-time, real-life FB updates, comments, arguments.

The list goes on, as I'm sure you would've guessed by now... And boy, there sure is a lot I'll miss once I go back to Cochin. the Place, the People, the Things they stand for. I still get the jitters when I think that I almost lost all this, and I'm glad that I have the chance to look at all these things from a changed perspective.

And the single, most important lesson I've learnt? You win some, you loose some, but whatever happens, make sure you enjoy 'em all.

I need the right road-map!!!!

2009-09-17T22:20:00.000+05:30

Warning: I'm writing this at 2 in the morning. Please treat this note as the random mumblings of a lost soul who has nothing better to do at this point in time :P
and PS (as in pre-script :D ) Don't get confused if the title has nothing to do with what's written below, keep reading, and it'll all make sense.)

Ahem, ahem....

Memories, wishes, and dreams.... for at least a few of us, at some point in time, circumstances would've conspired to blur the lines between these three. And for most of us, these "circumstances" can include ones of lost/unrequited love. Yep.. that inscrutable, un-understood, confusing, electrifying, stupifying, obliterating, irritating, un-ignorable feeling called LOVE. What can it not do I ask you? You want it or not, you like it or not, you think you're immune to it or not... sooner or later, everyone falls in love :) ;P

For the few, lucky enough to find their one true love, well, they were meant to go through life without heartbreaks I guess. (Though I must say, I've yet to meet someone like that :) ) For the others, well, there are a million different ways that life tells them - "Go on!! Get out there, fall in love, make mistakes, shatter your heart, and then... well, who knows what happens then...!!! The 'then' can be followed by so many different, heart-wrenchingly beautiful or alternatively, horrific routes. The choice of stories is spread out before you like the bare branches of a pruned bonsai tree, or like forked lightening (wah wah, what an analogy!! ;) ).

But, I digress. I want this note to show how your memories, dreams and wishes can sometimes come to mean one and the same thing, or rather, how 'love' can sometimes help you confuse between them, or at the very least makes you want to turn those wishes into reality, and there by a memory (I know, I know, I'm rambling.. Can't help it thought). As self-explanatory as this may seem, I think each of us would have our own version of how this happened to us.

For someone experiencing their first bout of the love-sickness, I think you end up dreaming so much about her/him, that at some point in time you loose track of what's reality, and what's just a dream/a wish. You keep wanting to meet them, you make up excuses to run into them, you imagine all the different kinds of interesting conversations you can have with them (and then when you meet them, you get all tongue-tied), you think of how perfect you are for each other, of all the things that you could be, and you dream on, and on, and on.... For a few lucky ones, these dreams or wishes do turn into reality, and in a few years, a source of happy memories for them. But not everyone's lucky that way.

For some others, these dreams, these castles they've been building in the sky, can all come crumbling down. The one that you thought was to be your 'One' doesn't feel the same about you. Then what? What do you do next? Where do you go from there? What do you do with all these dreams/wishes? Do they become a source of heart-ache, instead of happy memories? They do. And will remain so for quite some time. And I think these lines from a song kinda tells the story:

Don't know where to put you anymore,
You can't be kept inside my dresser-drawer.
I find the pieces of you in my dreams,
And in the evenings, spill out the edge of my mind,
Memories of you feel like they're miles wide,
It's all I can do to get to the other side of these evenings.
And I'll see you tonight, in the back of mind,
When I remember your skin like I remembered it then.
When you would dress me in white, with the look in your eyes,
I knew you'd love me forever, before I ever knew better.

I don't think I could've put it any better :) So yea, heart-breaks, heart-aches.. all form a part of life I guess. It happens, you brood over it for sometime (maybe even a few months, but its okay, take your time), and then you get up, dust yourself off, pick up the broken pieces, put it together to the best of your ability (with a little help from your friends, of course), and you move on. Sounds clichéd right? But then, I guess, the truth always sounds clichéd. Anyways, that's a discussion for another time. As I was saying, you move on.

And one day, when you least expect it, when you didn't go looking for it, when you didn't want it to happen again, it does. Simple as that. It may come like a sudden storm, or like the soft summer breeze, but it comes. And that's a given. You may believe it or you may not, I guess that's up to you. But I for one, being a dreamer and all, actually do believe :)

As I'd like to think, he's out there, somewhere, we just need the right road map to find each other... :) :)

Smiles :) :) :)

2009-09-17T22:19:00.003+05:30

Smiles.... Been thinking a looot about them lately... Why do people smile? Do they do it only when they are happy? Do they smile, when they see someone, friend or stranger, being happy too? There can be a thousand reasons behind someone's mysterious smile or maybe none at all... Who knows??

Why this sudden thought about something as mundane as a smile you may think... Isn't it something that we do everyday anyway!! I smile at you, you return it, and vice versa... Does it really end there? Have we ever thought beyond that? Has it ever occurred to you that a simple curve of your lips might actually turn around someone's day.. By this I don't mean that you go around thinking that your smile lights up the life of the entire population around you... no... What I mean is, on someone's bad day, a genuine smile, from you, anyone of us, can actually brighten things up a little for them. It might not turn around things for them, or solve all their problems, but who knows, that little spark of joy that they get from that smile could trigger off a whole cascade of changes that would eventually turn things around for them.

I've been at the receiving end of many such smiles, and I'm sure each one of us has had our own similar experience as well. And I would like to think that I've been able to do the same for someone out there (as self-obsessed as this may seem, I would like to think that I did do some good for someone ;P )

And all this talk of smiles reminds me of a poem I read somewhere many years ago...

Smiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too;
I passed around the corner, and someone saw my grin,
When he smiled, I realized I'd passed it on to him.
I thought about that smile, and I realized its worth,
A single smile, just like mine, could travel round the earth!
So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected,
Let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!! :D

So, here's to a smiling pandemic people!!!
Cheers.... :) :) :)

PS: To all those people, whose smiles have made me smile... Thank you!! :) You guys are the BESHT!! :P

Introducing Dimdim Widgets

2009-07-27T07:06:00.000+05:30

With DimDim, hosting and attending meetings online has never been more easy or more fun. And with some great ideas from you, and with a great team at our end, we’ve been able to make a new addition to the list of features we offer. We call them the Dimdim widgets.

Before I go on to what a Dimdim widget is, imagine this scenario. You are planning to hold a webinar. You want as many people to attend it, and the only way to maximize attendance, is to maximize the publicity for this event. You can do this old-school way by sending out emails blasts, or twittering/facebooking about it. Or you can do it the latest way – create a Dimdim widget for your meeting!

A Dimdim widget provides one click promotion and registration for Dimdim web events. Widgets are automatically created when user scheduled a meeting and easily can be shared on any website, including Face book and Twitter. These widgets give you the flexibility of publicizing your event on websites In a user-friendly, and attractive manner. As they are created automatically, you don’t have to worry about what content to include in it, or worry about how you can get the maximum conversions. Our widget takes care of it all for you. So, go ahead, use our widgets, and change the way you publicize your event!

Here's how you go about creating your very own Dimdim widget:

1. On www.dimdim.com and sign into your account through “MyDimdim” tab.

2. Click on “host meeting” and then select the “schedule” checkbox to schedule a meeting.

3. A widget will appear showing the date and time of the meeting as shown below –

4. You can share this widget feature with the applications stated in widget by clicking on “Share widget” feature as shown below. Attendees can register themselves and join your meeting through the widget –

5. You can also embed the widget code in your website as shown below –

6. You can also view the registrations in your widget. Click on edit as shown below –

7. The click on registrations –

8. You will be able to see the registrations as shown below –

The widgets are also dynamic, and any changes that you make to your event will be instantly reflected in your widget.

Love it? Well, we’d love to hear from you! Think this can be made better? We’d love to hear from you as well! Feedback from you keeps us motivated to constantly work on improving Dimdim, and giving all a smooth web-conferencing experience…

By the way, we're holding a live webinar demonstrating the new features of Dimdim. Those interested can regsiter here: